so i have a dog...

okay, so why is it that just because i have a dog people assume that my dog and i want to play with them and their fido...'cause i don't...my floppy eared dog who joyously accompanies, even begs me to walk her several miles everyday peaceful and without the noise of other dog enthusiasts...her tail and my ponytail bouncing along in harmony until we are startled by a similar couple looking trying to nudge in on our alone time and play with us.

Call me crazy but i find it somewhat disturbing that from the minute i got a dog people wanted to schedule doggie play dates suggesting that we either come to their house, so long as we have similar invisible fence systems (really????) or worse yet we should meet at the park and trudge through the tick laden woods...really so that i can police my dog in public, talking to her like we talk to our children, reminding and reprimanding my adorable Fluffy to play nice, site, don't go into the murky pond, don't jump and please come the first time i call...ugh...another situation where we can all point finger and feel mortified that our canine offspring will have no part of listening to my human commands....my beautiful dog has totally failed the obedience test of NO, COME, SIT and i don't want to be scolded for her lack of discipline and listen to the hushed quips by the other doggie mommy's who have well trained pooches...my kids say please and thank you and know how to behave with other people...i have no problem letting them out in public...my dog...she is cute, adorable and wants to jump on people and get them to play with her...not to mention that i don't really understand what makes dogs tick and have no interest in finding myself in the middle of a doggie dispute...i love my dog but i am not a dog person.

I can't follow another set of rules that i don't know who established, but i am acutely aware that Fluffy and I are not living up to the doggie play date standards...so please fellow dog owners, walk your puppies but don't at all feel obligated to include us in your reindeer games...that's why i wear dark sunglasses, even when its snowing and constantly check my iPhone...i'm trying to ignore the puppy play date overture, take my walk and get on with my day...call me though i would love to have coffee!!!

funny and nice...NOT

so here is the story people..honesty starts with knowing yourself and being honest about what makes you tick and how you can control your own list of personal strengths and weaknesses...then use them to quiet the chatter in your head or make better decisions while out for dinner...this is usually where i get into the most trouble...the moral compass kicks in and i cant sit idly by when people talk about folks who i find offensive...for example...last weekend i was at a lovely dinner party...a few of the guests began telling a story about a guy we all know saying oh how funny and nice and great he is..blah, blah, blah.....hell, i think this guy totally sucks...so there i sat...seltzer in hand...it helps me manage my verbal outbreaks better than alcohol...and i'm thinking to myself...really, this guy is a jerk...he is competitive at the expense of others, he is creepy, his wife is a bully, his kid is mean and the list goes on....now i think...i can blurt all of this out and let everyone know exactly how i feel...which will most likely change the entire tone of the conversation and evening as we will delve into the particulars of this guy and further digress into the nature of over competitive helicopter parents in suburbia...ugh...all of which i would have loved to debate but realized i was just too tired...so after 10 seconds, which seemed like an eternity in my mind i reengaged in the conversation with a pleasant smile and nod...and so this particular guy got to be known as funny, nice and everything else he is not in my mind.

The pick up line is killing me...

i'm not kidding, the pick up line is killing on a million different levels, i avoid it whenever possible..i have been doing it for 8 years now and still don't even understand how it works, it should not be so difficult yet it is a source of serious anxiety...oh you might be confusing me with a hip and cool city person hearing a pick up line at a bar...oh contrare...i am talking about 'the pick-up line' at school.

i got rid of my SUV about a year ago and went the other extreme...small, 2 door, convertible...on the days i need to do a school up up, which i try to limit to once a week...i am a huge fame of the little-yeller-feller...i find myself sandwiched between MLs and GLs....mega land vehicles and the even more so, gargantuan land vehicles...all decked out with stickers and magnets galore so that we all know where any given family vacations, what activities junior is involved with and what schools the family attends...these strolling family dossiers are all over suburbia.

today i found myself in a loaner car - 15K mile service - having to honk like a crazy person to save my life and that of my loaner car's passenger side door...i try to keep a low profile, whisking my kid home with out much interaction so incessantly honking my horn and watching a million heads turn in my direction is not what i was going for...an SVU that was making a new line between the left and right lanes of the official pick up line was being yelled out to pick a line...thus causing the driver to need to back up before moving off to the right...thus jeopardizing my pristine loaner...finally the lines straightened out and everyone had a spot...i was safe now except for the fumes...

you can never count on the pick up line moving at anything other than a snails pace...so unless patience is your first, second and third name, which mine is not, i have to get to school 30 minutes prior to my kid's release in an effort to get in and out and to the appointment...the entire reason behind the pick up....on time! i now have a strategy, which has taken me all these years to perfect....i plan my entire day around the pick up line...i get there about 30 minutes early with my lunch, scout out a legitimate parking spot...which keeps me on the line until i can pull into the parking lot...at which point i try my best to wait patiently while listening to the soothing voices on NPR and enjoy my mixed greens...it all is good until i look out my rear view mirror and notice the line of SUVs that has created  an off shoot pick up line within the parking lot and i start to panic about how i am going to maneuver out of my space without hitting an HSE or GX or a car named for a place in Africa.

its finally time to collect my prodigy...we return to the car giving  a friendly glance to the driver parked directly perpendicular to me thus inhibiting my clean break, thankfully he takes the hint, moves his land machine and off we go...until next weeks pick up line

Stand in line....quietly, please!

okay twitchy mctwitch...do you think that by standing behind me just off in the corner of my peripheral vision with your bad body language, hands on your hips and your gym chomping, ever so subtly punctuated by your annoying 'ummmmph" is going to encourage me to move any faster or make the ATM process my transactions any quicker???? Think again....I saw you sitting in your suburban armored vehicle as I pulled into the parking spot next to you...you were busy chatting away on your cell, two tennis rackets in your passenger's seat...you were happy to idle away time and money...that is until you saw a potential competitor...me, i might actually get to that empty ATM first...oh no!!!
So you quickly ended your call and flew out of your car...but alas, you were to late...i had my hand on the door and whereas i would have otherwise held it for you allowing you to enter first, i crossed the threshold and held the door backwards so that i was polite enough not to have it smack you in the face....you crept up behind me and let out the first annoying 'ummmph' of our brief encounter...

i was doing a quick drive by shop yesterday for my boys...jeans, boxers, socks...etc, the basics...a woman at the front register had been arguing with the cashier since the time a walked in...when i found myself on a long line due to her shenanigans i got into the line zone...look around, make mental lists and if all else fails strike up a utilitarian conversation with the first person online that smiles in your direction...the woman in front of me smiled...she and our cashier both commented on the shenanigans woman and were in agreement that people feel very entitled...i gave them a breif retelling of my ATM story...they laughed...and when the woman in front of me check out she turned and handed me her 20% off card...so take that ummmph and shenanigan ladies...i just got myself a discount!!

do we know when enough is enough???

one of the great memories from my childhood was going to work with my father...i loved getting up early, putting on my 'work' clothes and going through the adult motions; grabbing coffee to go (a novelty in the 70's) rushing for the train, folding the paper along the crease to make it as compact a reading experience as possible and listening to great conversations...oh before i go on you want to know what my father did/does, right...yes of course you do...this was a question never asked when i was a kid...and if anyone did inquire just 'cause they did i usually told them that he sold dream and illusions...which i guess is not much different from the guys who sold mortgages to everyone who wanted to be part of the great american dream in the early part of this century....yes of course i grew up in suburbia and my dad was a math wiz, so you guessed it, he is a wall street guy...back when men wore 3 piece suits, had outlandish lunches and played cards in the smoking car on the way home, a time when no one asked 'what does your father do?"...in fact i did not even know what some of my friend's fathers did until long into my 20's when i moved back to the same suburban town from whence i came...at which point i started to meet people who went to college with my childhood friends and acquaintances and would say 'oh you must know sallyjoedavid and their father who started-owed-tookpublic thegreatestcompanyever!!! wow...well now i know and good for sallyjoedavid and their family!

the other thing i knew was that 'back then' there was a sense of enough...as in you, me, us, we have enough...
and if you had enough or were lucky to have more than enough you had the good graces not to let everybody know how much enough is...one lesson i learned on the way home from work with my dad one day was told to me by his partner...a man of the same age who loved cars...and who had enough...this lesson was shared with me on a day we drove to work...after work when we walked to our spot in the garage on a side street west of broadway behind Trinity church i noticed a really nice car and commented to that affect...our friend said, 'let me tell you what you can learn about a person from their car'....the person who has nothing drives a jalopy and happy for the simple mode of transportation enabling him to get to and from....the person who has cash to burn but has not saved drives a cadillac (remember this is the last 70's) or a mercedes...the person who is comfortable in their own skin or has a trust fund drives a BMW 2002...no one will look twice and its great car...the man who told me this story still drives his subaru wagon and flies coach between his homes in the north east and california....his point was well taken...it has less to do with how nice your car is, how big your house, how fancy your vacation and more to do with how much is enough and when enough is really enough are you aware how blessed you are and realize it is time to give back...we all have our own idea of what is enough...no one can set that thresh hold for us...as good citizens however it is up to us to interpret how much enough is.

so often we let life get the better of us..we need and have to have...we want people to know us for our set pieces; our cars,  our parties, our vacations or our homes...what we do for a living...rather than what we do with what we do for a living...when we have enough we need to give back, share the happiness...give ourselves a hardy 'congratulations' and realize our enough.

Supermarket Psychology

no don't be silly...i am not talking about those wonderful trash rags that we all  love  reading on the checkout line while contemplating the danger of eating the Nestle's Crunch bar as a crowd of strapping supermodels are  staring at us from the airbrushed covers of fashion magazines...no, i am talking about the cathartic feeling after you bump into someone in the supermarket or encounter a perfect stranger and share a deep conversation about life, love and the pursuit of happiness in the burbs...its a funny phenomenon...you start with a cheerful hello and then someone opens the proverbial can of worms with a question about family, friends or work or a comment about the service on the checkout line, the weather or something about the community at large...and bam you go into a dissertation about what's good, bad and currently on your mind as if you are lying on a shrink's couch rather than standing in your local grocery store on your way home from the gym...now mind you the supermarket physiologist is most likely not your bestie or they would know that answers to all these pressing questions and would know the turmoil or the levity of your current sitch but non-the-less you start in on a conversation....

okay so here is the thing...i like my supermarket psychology...i enjoy the intense conversations i have while pushing a cart full of yummies and whiling away the hours at my local market...i enjoy the exchange of stories, the advise and even the small talk...there is a comradery in sharing with an acquaintance and an unwritten rule that what happens in the market stays in the market.

but here's the thing...my little town no longer has a supermarket, at one point we had two...now we have 8 banks, 6 nail salons and 4 real estate offices among our 24 storefronts...we can get money, buy and sell our homes and keep nicely groomed but we can't get 3 cans of sauce for 99 cents...we do have a delicious gourmet market which is now thankfully open on Sundays...and i must say i was delighted last Sunday when i went out to grab some provisions for Sunday supper and bumped into 2 friends...one old, as in we have been friends since elementary school..the other new, as in we meet 18 years ago...they too are friends with each other and i found them in the middle of a pow pow about their kids...at which point i felt the need to interject and add my shared experiences to the conversation...which turned what should have been a 20 minute trip into an hour and i walked away having shared good information and gotten great validation of my circumstances...i left with my head high and two bags of meat and veggies!

since our 'supermarket' closed down after the great flood i have found myself moving about from market to market to procure my provisions, and as such have expanded my repertoire of communal psychologists...in Bedford Falls i bumped into two women i mostly talk to on the sports field...one who's company i quite enjoy...i felt compelled to discuss with her the sports captain selection at my kid's school...she offered wise advise and shared a personal story...i left feeling propped up and armed with a good antidote...in Pottersville i had an encounter at the bagel store over boars head and nova with a smart lady who i have hardly talked to but have known for the past 15 years...she and i discussed books, backgrounds and futures...no, not stock futures...we shared some stories and offered advise and our mutual concern about teenagers and their choices....and again i left behind the menagerie of bagels as well as the baggage of my concerns dujuor...i took something away and left my fellow shopper with food for thought

so relish a chance encounter, i promise you there is an unwritten governance that covers the privacy of your conversations, you will feel better as you connect and share and leave with some groceries to nourish your soul.

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...on the one hand

funny, we are a 'so on the one hand but on the other hand' kindda generation of parents...we like to see all sides and choose our religion as we see fit...we are non committal and non confrontational while sticking to our guns, which we don't want our kids to play with (read on)......an old friend of mine who is both a rabbi and a ball player turned spiritualist once told me not to be afraid of  not going to temple as every person is their own rabbi... thus i was empowered to rule myself...so self i said "what do i believe in today???" although  i am still trying to answer that on a practical level, on a macro level i feel well advised by my self....but it is on the micro level that i find fascinating both my decisions and those of my fellow suburbanites regarding ourselves and our children....

like many decisions in my kid's lives they were a bit pre-destined due to a rich tradition of doing, going and belong...one of these things was sleep away camp...although i despised sleep away camp...i know, you must be shocked...you should never put that many girls together in a non-military like structured environment if you are expecting anything more than petty behavior with mascara running down sad faces and enough hairspray to attract all the bugs north of Portland Maine!

....none-the-less my kids headed off to an all boys (thankfully) summer camp in the north east...during the spring prior to leaving for the summer i was sitting on the side of a ball field (the site of 75% of poorly behaved parenting outbursts, myself included, especially when another parent yells at my kid who did not make a tag out at home...oh i digress and i am sure that's in another post)...when discussing summer camp with a group of parents...(a suburban parents hot button topic as most believe their child's camp is the preeminent...although i like my kid's camp, and more importantly they love it, i do believe that camps like nursery schools are all within 5 degrees of each other or they would not be in existence for 100+ years)...one mom preceded to get on her soap box about how she would never even consider visiting the camp my boys go to because they have riflery....really, riflery, her decision came down to riflery...amazing since her kid's behavior is feared by 90% of the kids in town and goes unchecked as her little cherub faced angel barrels over other children with verbal bullets, she did not want to send her kid to a camp with riflery...on the one hand lets condemn a camp because of an age old activity that can't hurt anyone without intention while on the other hand let us justify verbal bullets with a patented tag line of  oh you can't control what a 12 year old says

in the world of condemnation, i find it interesting  that on the one had we sit around as parents condemning underage kids who drink, yes alcohol not juice boxes...but we let our kids have Facebook pages where they display images of themselves with alcohol type paraphernalia...we get our bee in a bonnet when our kid is not invited to a party in the fall  but on the other hand we are able to justify the hell out of why another kid did not need to be included at a party in the spring...we bash one parent's choice to let their almost 17 year old drive after nine one year and the next year blatantly let our almost 17 year old routinely drive after nine.

...my friends we are all our own rabbi in the big bad world of parenting...on the one hand lets be honest with ourselves and on the other hand lets be respectful of how our decisions will affect others...and let us not forget the most important rule at hand...you should love, or at least respect your neighbor as yourself...

Choose your words

Okay, so here is the thing...i am not going to apologize for the artistic side of my life...which includes my blog and my fine artwork...they are artist expressions...a rendering of our collective unconscious if you will...often people ask me to create a representation of the "bee in their bonnet" and i am happy to help...problem, sarcasm, humor, throw it in a bowl, add some color, mix...out comes the final product...That said forget the collective unconscious and Jung, i often wish i were just unconscious...things might not bother me as much...and the nagging question is do they bother other people?

...i  often think "is it just me"...but alas not...other people share the same thoughts but are often to concerned about a particular outcome to speak up...speak i must...i just can't help myself but to comment...my rug is not big enough to sweep things under and the mental garbage quickly starts to peculate and becomes unhealthy for me...perhaps this is the year to invest in a men in black type stun gum...one zap and we forget the last 5 seconds of our life...i just don't know how i do it to myself and keep functioning...in my civilian life i apologize often and freely...some mornings i think, god help me not to speak...don't even open my mouth as i am fearful for what might come out

....most mornings I start the day with a couple of phone calls...they set the tone...thankfully they are no longer the "what is johnny doing after his exciting day in the 4's program" or "is sally invited to jane's party after school" just so that i know her kid is invited and mine is not or "can you believe so and so made the travel team"...because as we know those topics could send anyone and especially me into a tizzy! phone calls are getting better with age which makes it easier to control my tongue...a friend checking in on me starts the day off  on a positive foot...someone out there in this big bad uncivilized world cares...often it is one of a handful of friends calling to just check in and offer a friendly hello...other times its my mom wanting to know whats on my agenda...i usually answer with 'work' and then feel bad until she tells me about her plans for bridge, maj jong, canasta (please pronounce with a new york Jewish accent for best results) or her golf game (pronounced with Bedford Lock Jaw circa 1980). If  I make it through those calls with no agitation i am usually ready for a productive day.

I can still find time later in the day to get agitated...put me at a kids sports event, online in the supermarket or worse navigating the pick up line at my kid's school....that will usually do it if nothing else has and good thing that i am in the car and by myself so my tongue can't start flapping around uncontrollably...i just sit and mumble to myself while while listening to classic rewind on satellite radio...i usually start with the conspiracy theory...and work my way backwards to oops...I tend to be great with strangers at the pizza place or sitting in the tutors office...not ulterior motive (at least that i can perceive) and pleasant conversation that leaves you feeling pleased and uplifted...

so if you catch me on a bad day....i totally apologize in advance (although this statement is on the Lake Superior State University's list of words to banish in 2012 so i apologize for using it)...i really only mean about 5% of what i say but i say everything that's on my mind...so have a great year and lets all use our words carefully!

Don't tell, don't ask...the college process

I find the college process to be fascinating...it used to be that we hand wrote applications after visiting a couple of schools and our parents occasionally checked in to make certain that all the bases were covered...now its is big business...first off if you are a athlete and have been training at your game since pre-k, have had coaches, summers spent perfectly your sport and played on numerous select teams you are now paying big bucks to have professional videos created so that you can market yourself right through the college process...ooooyyyy

Starting junior year families begin traversing the US in a effort to locate the perfect school...you can buy a college route map on amazon to plan the trip stopping in cute college towns and making certain to purchase a hoodie at every book store....i myself am still on the hook for a few unused plane tickets after an aborted mission to pick out a school in the mid-west...i guess i'll pay the re-booking fee to catch a plane to a spa after this process is done..anyone coming with me???

If you don't have your wits about you it is fairly common to select a private college adviser who at the cost of about half a years private school tuition will do everything from identify a well balanced list of schools, help choose the perfect SAT tutor, work on essays and create a 'brag' sheet that can be attached as a supplement to the common application....if you are really on top of things chances are you have brought this person on board your college team at the end of sophomore year so that for the next 2 years your family can obsess about the process....after this process you are going to need to hire a party planner or a shink.

Things really get fun senior year...early choice applications are due by November...so about 4 weeks into the school year the buzz starts...who, what, where, when, and how!!! if you don't wont to have the conversation over every lunch and dinner date for the next 6 weeks you best just stay home...some folks are just curious...like those who read directories...they just want to know who is looking where...other want to know because they want to play the odds...still others want to make certain that the competition is not to strong...people ask questions...its natural...but whats not natural is to ask, to pump, to be concerned...not only about one kid but about everyone they know...and then when the conversation turns and they are asked about their prodigy they explain they are just hanging low...hanging low, really, if you just asked all those questions; how many here, who there, what sport etc...you are not hanging low, you are accessing the situation, not being honest and the only hanging is the person who you are talking to...they are hanging up on you...so if you have no intention of telling...do us all a favor and don't ask!!!

The Better Offer

We are all intrigued by the prospect of the better offer but why is it better? My son has had a friend since nursery school who was and still is always in search of the better offer. I am simply content to have an offer, any offer...if someone or some group wants to include me i am happy for them to make me an offer...i'm also happy to expand the plan and make someone else an offer.

the question is what are you willing to trade in exchange for the better offer??? loyalty, friendship, trust...what are you looking to achieve...popularity, exposure or self worth??? and what if every offer is better...sometimes rather than accepting the better offer you become the juggler...

one of my roommates in graduate school was the juggler extraordinaire...never able to simply stick to a plan or accept one offer...every Saturday night was a tightrope walk between parties and different circles of friends...not knowing how to say NO she would roam from party to party...thinking that she was so important that she would be missed and wanted to make sure that everyone knew she was included...the juggler misses the substance as they spend their energy running between events to fill the room with their joyful presence.


...but the person in search of the better offer is probably not going for meaningful life long substantive memories...remember when you choose the backyard bash over the bar mitzvah, wedding or christening you will never get an opportunity to participate in those celebrations again...the backyard bash happens every weekend...and in fact if you give the attendees the benefit of the doubt they most likely will know you were invited but had a prior obligation...it might not have been the more enjoyable event or perhaps not the most socially noteworthy gathering but it was meaningful and your presence will be appreciated by your host.

sometimes the better offer is not a dinner plan, fundraiser, birthday party or life celebration but a sports competition...we teach are children to commit to a team...but yet they commit to 3 teams in one season and then every weekend we encourage them to choose the better offer...where will they shine...who else is playing in which event...which sport can they play and also be home in time for the 'it' party...the better offer is always lurking and testing our constitution...make the decision early so you are not forced to accept the better offer half way through the season.

...there are the people who hedge in preparation for the better offer...they make a plan but say 'let's pencil it in' or 'let me check with my husband' - as if he really cares about the plan - and then there are the people who are so blatant they say '...so lets firm up closer to the date' - as if they have any intention of keeping a plan with you!!

When it comes to work we always want the better offer and often use it as a negotiating tactic...the better offer is a walk away alternative that you can use at any point...but when you have dinner plans on Saturday night...which have actually been inked in or sent to you and all the dinner participants as a meeting request and you accepted...you should not even consider accepting the offer that was just sent to you via bbm by an acquaintance who you want to get closer because they will be helpful to your social agenda...they will make the offer again...and if they don't...well really are you not big enough to realize that you are not important to their agenda.


So if you took the better offer this weekend think about the story my son told me on the way home from school...
...He said "mom, i'm in a pickle and i need help, can you help me?" "well i need to know what kind of pickle" i said trying not to laugh at his serious tone. "ummm, well, 3 people asked me to have plans and i kept saying yes, so who do i have plans with?" he asked. "easy, the first person who asked and you said yes to...see if you can include the other boys somehow otherwise tell them you will see them another day." "way to take a bite out of that pickle mom" my son assured me.
Maybe next weekend you will keep your plan, feel good about it and avoid your own pickle...it might be sour!

Bunker Friends

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...welcome to the bunker.

Bunker friends are solid...true friends...people who care about you, your kids and your family...there are plenty of circumstantial friend who we are thrown together with in our stress-ridden modern society...but a bunker friend is someone you don't have to say "this stays between us"...a true friend is a confidant, someone who knows you need to vent and have an honest conversation ...someone who you might not see or talk to for 8 weeks but can head out on a walk and pick up where you left off...someone who has your back and is not conflicted...free of ulterior motives and juggling too many relationships...when circumstance change a circumstantial friend  will  toss you under the bus for a better offer a bunker friend will drag you out from under the bus!  Who the is driving this suburban bus to hell anyway and did they not see all of us discarded friends under here screaming???

Non-bunker friends are great to have...they are the "lets have lunch" friends...some are even fake fakers and wantabe's that you don't even know who they want to be or why they want to be with you...but we can have dinner with almost anyone, at least once...some non-bunker friends are lovely but they have their own bunker friends and don't have anymore energy to invest...they are the keep it easy and light friends...then there are china quality friends...handle them with kid gloves because if you mis-handle these folks the relationship starts to crack and can break apart...then you will be left picking up sharp pieces that if not carefully handled will cut you 'til you bleed...shit that sounds bad.

One of my favorite bunker friends is tried and true...i know that if i needed a kidney she would not sleep until she found me one!! Bunker friends don't stand on ceremony obsessing the over the who called last rule...if  i need to, want to or just feel like it I call...i hope my friends would do the same..if i sense that you need a call, i call...or text as that has replaced the quick 'just checking in' call...i remember one of my girl scout songs fondly which said it the best to "make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver and some are GOLD"...Keep those golden bunker friends, invest in them, be open to making new friends, try and know people and understand them, know if they are capable of being in your bunker, otherwise just have lunch.

adults are often a big disapointment

i am still amazed how disappointed i can get from the actions and words of other adults..okay i know what you are thinking now -  i should be a bigger person and not let all the shit that flies hit me in the face and make me wanna vomit...however don't you think that adults...lets classify that as humans over about 32...should generally speaking know how to act with civility and kindness toward one another...especially toward children...oh i am not talking about pedophiles...they just suck and are bad people...but i am talking about adults that make bad decisions because they have a road map and a set of rules that are inflexible or have an agenda and need to stay the course rather than assess the situation and proceed accordingly...in general i try to stay clear...i don't want all those people in my head...it stirs up anxiety and frankly this time of year it is bad for my golf game...concentrating on the 999 rules of golf is enough for this girl...my limited capacity to deal with shit makes me stay clear and stay in my hovel unless i am forced out to procure food or a new outfit, which usually has to do with going someplace where i will eat food...okay so back the the bad people

i can usually process the crap when i get left out of something or someone thinks my outfit is bad or my ass looks fat...but make my kid feel bad...well you have now released the Kraken !!! years ago my son played on a sports team...little tykes...not even a tryout, travel or uber-select team...just a little tykes sign on team...he played by the rules and stuck with the age appropriate team...his friends all thinking they were the next great whoever had their parents get them onto the team with the older kids who had been playing together all season...these kids no longer play and my kid went onto be the captain of his high school team but these parents had an agenda and stuck with it.

and why is it always sports...do people really think that for 99.9% of the student athlete population how they do on little tykes teams really matter later in life...i played soccer in college, great, i still got the same education, went to the same type of college i would have gone to sports or no sports and my intellectual pursuits are not about how many black and white shapes (and what they are called) are on a soccer ball....and i never had to blow off or show up late to a birthday party or a celebration...do we think when we decide that to choose sports over friends that are kids are going to grow up and say "wow, i should have played that extra game, tournament, practice rather than go to my buddies celebration?" No i think when they are all grown these kids are going to say "wow my body hurts i played sports more days then there are in a week for more weeks then there are in a year, year after year"

when its not sports its cutting comments like "oh and what does it take to get into that school" or "my kid did not play badly but little sally sue johnny doe did not pass the ball and therefore little sally sue johnny doe could not score" ...or comments like "oh no my kid would never do the school play or art show, its to amateurish for them"....really people my father always told me that if you have nothing nice to say than shut the fuck up....well he is nicer than that...he just said, then don't say anything at all -

i would add to that "if you can't behave nicely just stay inside and don't interact with anyone"...and whats amazing is those with dirty little secrets are often the ones who behave the worst...your secret is not safe when you act badly...because people with secrets always give them away...they simply don't respond to questions or discussions around a topic that is sensitive to them, they redirect the topic in a negative way...or they have a party and don't include people who know their secret...really that's a blatant give away...people with dirty little secrets to hold should be nice and play by the rule...keep your friends close and those who know your secret closer...or your secret will come back to bit you in the ass

Remember, where ever you go there you are....with all your secrets and baggage....be nice, be respectful, not telling the truth is a lie no matter how you slice it...so be inclusive, create harmony, let the kid play on the team, invite the neighbor to the party or just stay inside and let everyone else enjoy the air.

 

Reply All...Revisited

I wrote last summer about the negatives associated with hitting that innocent looking reply all button...Aside from totally junking up my in-box and making my blackberry choke on the download, sharing with everyone can cause emotional damage....last summer i was outed for not participating in an event via a 'replay all' thread....I actually tried to respond the old fashioned way...land line to land line...i made contact with the reply all offender...when i hung up the phone i thought she and i had an understanding...but her response did not end there...she could not resist  an impulse click on that pesky  reply all button, which in turn distributed her venom to the original group email...she let everyone know that i was out and thus our committee needed a hero...oooyyyy...imagine how i felt...embarrassed and totally pissed off...bad combo platter in cyber land....but i restrained from having a reply all button battle and spared the group the my email and the misery of reading my retort!

Reply All is the popularity scale of pop culture...its the see how many people in the To: line i can tell about all of my activities....

             DING there is goes again..."Sorry I can't get out of work that day"

 DING..."I am on jury duty...sorry"

Reply All lets everyone know how important you and your husband are and what the family is up to

...

                                              DING..."oh we are out of the country...could you please reschedule?"

okay so this person now has added a double wamy...she is traveling and wants all of us pedestrians to reschedule for her...really...was she at the Royal Wedding today...well if not we are not rescheduling for less the royalaness...

                     DING...oooyyyy, enough already...this one is a response to an email bday party invitation letting all of the invitees know the details of said responders family's weekend plans so that we all know why the twins will come late to and leave early from the bday party...

Please people this is too much information to share...i would rather a direct correspondence letting me know that you have your period and you're cranky...i might laugh and send you a winky face...or that you and your husband have a wild weekend planned...to this i might send you a naughty winky face...i might even tolerate some email diarrhea about your kids plans for the weekend and your evening and how come you can't be where you are supposed be and how that is now my problem...blah, blah, blah...to this i might respond with a pithy...'oh so interesting'...but you don't need to communicated any of this information in a GROUP EMAIL...group emails alerts are the year 2011s cover your ass memo...with one exception...if the sender is trying to coordinate with all parties and explicitly asks for a reply all...then we all need to suck it up ;-)

...so please stop carelessly clicking replay all...i won't be confused as to why you are or are not attending an event...if i like you enough i might even ask you how come you were not there...and funny if you are actually my friend we might have even discussed your plans and i would have known in advance.

...as my father always said...don't talk...or in the case email...just to hear yourself...speak when you have something important to say...

Mind Your Drama

I need a Sunday and it is still a week day....I have been sucked into the vortex of suburban drama ...its bad enough that i have a perpetual kink in my neck...which my trainer actually gave me a great exercise for and explained that the trouble is really from my upper back being tight...who knew....but your drama is beating the shit out of my brain...who is doing what, where, when and why...lunches, dinners, parties...kids, outfits, who is in and who is out...did i or did i not get invited, buy something you want, have lunch with your friend, visit a college on your kid's list, or take so and so and not your kid to the ball game...yikes...you spend more time worrying about what you do than doing anything productive!

...all i want is to get through my day in relative peace...I don't have enough energy to do more than wake up, make a few beds, work out, work...my company actually needs tending to...books to be kept, orders to be processed, inventory to be ordered, salaries to be paid and celebrity spokes people to be placated...that one i am really good at!!! Once all that is accomplished i move onto the big stuff...whats for dinner and who needs to be transported...i am a chauffeur, currier and cook...the three C's

the three C's help me reduce the drama...i focus on getting food...being with my family and sharing time and a meal...i don't mind transporting...it is not something i complain about or find to be a suburban burden...i like the zen in it...and don't mind transporting other peoples kids...i DO mind the drama that comes with the carpool configurations from nursery school to sports...it becomes an opportunity for drama to creep into my day and permeate my life...I don't want to police unruly kids...I want the flexibility to change my plans...and i really don't want to give anyone a chance to make me privy to their drama...or frankly make up any drama involving me...i don't care where your husband is (especially if he is not with your or in his office) or what your other kids are doing...and i certainly don't' care about your appointments.

don't get me on the phone, or text message me, don't bbm me and ask me to agree to a years worth of carpools for this seasons bar/bat mitzvahs or because our kids have had the unfortunate destiny to be on the same sports team and we live around a suburban corner from each other...just let me be...alone with my kids in peace and quiet and drama free...I don't need you stalking me for a carpool only to question me about irrelevant topics so that you can in turn use my answer to boost your agenda...or tell me how wonderful you kid is...how smart...athletic...artistic...and other wise incredibility talented...oh and so charitable toward others your little boy wonder is! If you are not talking about your kids than you are most likely being disagreeable either to the positive or negative...which ever is the opposite of my answer to your question...a total set up...why bother...you just cause me to get my dander up...yes dad i just used dander in a sentence...and i might without further ado become that person...

...ick...I so don't want to get involved with the drama you just created for me...cover your own tracks, keep your secrets secret and drive your own carpool because your drama is toxic....your drama spilith over and i don't want to get splashed...it hurts!

***footnote*** The you is NOT you, don't create any drama were none is necessary...it is a category problem not a brand issue

Intersections: the good the bad the ugly and the 8 minute wait

well people there are intersections all over...and in suburbia most of them have an issue and some associated drama too boot!!  we intersect with some many situations and people...and often a physical intersection can bring about an emotional response...good, bad and if you are in your car waiting at a 4 way crossing...ugly...a friend called the other day to tell my about her driving stress around our small suburban community...our town has gotten too big and full of entitled individuals, driving all to nice vehicles and yet we still have busy intersections without clearly marked directions...people it is the year 2011 and folks need to be told what to do are they act on their own instinct....oh and i don't mean a simple stop sign or arrow...no we need soup to nuts directions...who can go...what do the cross hashes means...if i am stopped with a car in front of me and another car comes from a different direction...the car in front of me goes...who goes next??? everyone is in a rush and their drama is more important than yours or mine...so there will be no yielding...no regard for my position in the intersection and certainly no regard for simple traffic signs....we need a "do to" list at every crossing!!

we have a four way intersection in the center of town...from one direction a right hand turn lane appears and disappears...from another direction  into the intersection there is a perfectly singed stop...the main street has only a "stop for pedestrians" sign...and you can imagine how likely that is to happen with the rush, rush, me, me mentality...i admit to my fair share of driving induced aggravation but i try to balance that with an overtly nice gesture on occasion of letting someone who is painfully waiting to make a left take the turn in front of me...i think the left turn courtesy is old school and hearkens back to a time of gentile civility...when most families had one car...not three..oh yeah if your asking i have three...blah blah blah.

..so a friend called me with her story of the eight minute wait...our conversation put me at an intersection between work and play...a positive intersection...i got to chat with my friend...by for her she just spent eight long minutes face to face with entitled bad manners...so what is the intersection etiquette...she patiently waited at the stop sign behind several cars...finally got her turn as first in line at the stop...just at that point a car across from her entering the intersection by making a right pulled into place...she started in ease into the street to make her left and head home...just at that point the car making the right pulled right in front of her...into the center of the intersection and stopped in the pedestrian walkway...the gentlemen driving had nothing better to do that get out of his car and chastise her for her left...he had the right of way...come on...we have all lived here long enough to know that we need to share the intersection...yes in a perfect world he had the right of way...but in a small town without detailed traffic directions we need to share the roadway and be civil to our fellow drivers...i know it is a stretch...but stretch yourself...but a little...think before you make your right-hand turn...we know right is right...but sometimes our left turn buddies have been waiting patiently, are in just as much a rush and would love some consideration to their plight...otherwise we will turn suburbia into Lexington Ave and all try to beat the lights heading downtown...Consider the intersections in your life and take a moment to give some thought as to what mark you want to leave at each encounter.

Share The INFO People...

when my older son was heading to high school a kind neighbor and friend got me a gift...a book...with a title that i have recreated and distilled down in my mind to (since i currently can't find the book in my house)....All the things that guidance counselors don't tell you and your friends wont tell you....PEOPLE...how do we know if you wont share....its true...i now have a son looking at colleges...and bam...the guidance department is great...but not at my beck and call...and the friends and acquaintance networks...well...you need to beg, plead and steal information from the majority to get any kind of answer and it is usually tied up in some kind of pretzel logic so convoluted  that you don't understand and feel even dumber and more inept after you ask the question...before you were just in the dark...now you are in the dark at a rock concert and naked...completely exposed...the lack of sharing works wonders in one and only one area of parenting and motherhood...that's the pregnancy part...if you told me that no mater what i ate...in my case Mr. Cookieface ice cream sandwiches during one pregnancy and a restricted healthy diet through the other...that i would gain 65 pounds!!!...or that your body starts to develop new odors...hair in new places...terrible indigestion and other gastrointestinal issues...well than no one would ever get pregnant...which would have one good outcome...not having to look at colleges and navigate a series of tests, measurements, GPAs and the application processes...however sharing info on camps, colleges, summer programs, teachers, sports teams tryouts and how the DMV works among other parenting quandaries...well the world would be a kinder gentler place...i have my go to gals...and thank god for them...i try to share...most of the time folks appreciate it...other times...well i am met with a befalling barge of how my information is wrong, untrue and incorrect and i should get my facts straight so i don't totally screw up my kid...yikes...
....
pardon the interruption a college admissions office just called...they identified my kid through the PSAT's as a good candidate for their school...the PSAT's folks share...why can't you...be a sport...we all need some help!

PS...if anyone out there and decipher what the actual title of the book is please help us all and post it here so that others can get a copy!!!

really that's your chair....

....really...than if it is your chair why is your nasty ass not in it....why is your name not on it.....why did you just say that's my chair and continue to exchange one up's with your neighbor who you just bumped into...so her kid made the 'A' team and your kid got into the college of his choice and her little Johnny  got the staring role in the school play...and you went to the hottest new vacation spot and she just got into a country club...this is all fascinating and amazing...i could give a rats ass...BUT...you just laid claim to a chair that i had been politely waiting for and yet although your hand is on the back of it your ass is still vertical....my business partner and i took our number...ordered our food...cased the joint for a table for two...came up short by a chair and waited patiently for a vacancy to pull over to our lunch locale...while i had my back to the seating section to say hi to a friend you walked in the door, shimmied yourself between me and the chair i had been waiting for and BAM...it became yours...i actually thought i could explain nicely that we had been waiting for that chair...your response....well i don't see you in it so i guess you are not using it....really....scary part is that you then chatted up a blue streak...looked to your lunch mates for approval of your awful behavior and dragged the chair across the joint...to my absolute horror you pulled your chair up to a table with my Dr's wife who belongs to my fancy ass country club and she sat there idly as you parted me from my seating and thus my lunch...your arrogance was amazing...fascinating...i really wanted to know if you thought what you did was right...or nice...or even justified...but you smugly sashayed away with my seating...hung your decrepit fur coat on the back and made your way to the counter to put in your lunch order....what stopped me from heading right over to your coffee clutch and stealing back the seat...well...i really did not want to stoop to your level...i knew i could blog about it...but frankly it took all my willpower not to walk over to you....stick my chest out and interrogate your for your nasty behavior....what about kindness...treat your neighbor like you would like to be treated...maybe i should pull the chair right out from under you...well i found a table with two chair...mine unfortunately was facing right across to you...i was so distracted wondering if you and your friends really felt okay with what just happened...i was embarrassed i can only imagine what everyone in the store must of thought of you...you one up'd me as well...oh well...so really next time you are looking for a seat, a parking spot or getting into a que (line) think about the other people in your general proximity and consider if in your haste you may have inadvertently skipped a step and gone out of turn...apologize it actually feels good...but if you really needed my chair to make yourself feel better...well you got it!!!

Gratitude or Revenge

Simply put which feels better...and i think the honest answer is both...but revenge is a dirty word and gratitude implies grace and spirituality...but in the end everything we do is to make ourselves feel better...i think gratitude...i enjoy saying please and thank you...and actually i love sending a thank you note and letting people in my life, both strangers and intimates knows that i am thankful for them...i also believe that we protect ourselves and our loved ones and that wrong doers need to be addressed...i think we each need to protect one another...that we need to be on the lookout and have a Jungian approach to kindness...collectively we need to protect...but in a land of sorely lacking manors and desire for pretense we often fall prey to the old adage - keep your friends close but your enemies and those that could become enemies closer...sometimes it is easier to assume sally will be okay but you better pay attention to uber-jane or she wont be your friend and she might seek revenge...send sally a note...let her know that you are grateful...actions are what we have and we have the ability to choose and our choices affect those around us...don't' make excuses out loud or to yourself
 ...we live in a world of options....post subprime, post madoff...post the post we communicate in strange and unique ways which can often lead to confusion...choose your words carefully...words have been distilled to single letters and entire phrases end up as three letters which idk...'f' get substituted for 'p'...numbers show up in place of letters and we must limit our character count to under 200...what communication can be derived from this...yes a quick thank you...9 characters including the space 10 if you add the exclamation point...so how can we actually be honest and communicate how we feel so as to show gratitude, respect and emotion...
revenge is easy...it is  raw and full of emotion and needs as little space as 'thank you' to be communicated...when i think revenge i think of letting someone know that they suck and what they did sucks and so on and so forth of their suckiness...however that person is most likely impervious to your reverse suck attack...if they cared and were civil they would have given some thought to their actions and communications and you would not have been subjected to their sucky behavior in the first place...so what to do...send them a short bbm, im, aim, or ping them...let them know they in fact suck...send a note telling them how you feel...very '70's encounter group style...ignore them...or kill them with kindness...you have options...lots of them...the dispenser of suck type people infact kill others with kindness and have them all tricked up thinking they are nice, good and honest people..they send thank you notes, host you for dinner, send flowers all to hid their toxic behavior...so really there is a pattern and shades of gray...we are all capable of both ends of the spectrum it is how we balance the two that makes us who we are...so perhaps if those who are honest and not full of pretense spread the gratitude...and those who are perpetrators of suck and associated behavior realize it is not all coming to them...that they need to say thank you, be grateful and act accordingly our collective environment would be greatly improved...so consider reaching out...mending a bridge...sticking up for a friend who has been wronged...send a note, share a thought..communicate sooner and you wont need revenge....and if you fall prey to a perpetrator of suck...take pity on them, they are sad people who can't see past their own satisfaction...if you need revenge kill them with kindness...say an extra thank you on their behalf...your gratitude is appreciated.

Civility in suburbia is dead

I dread using this as a title for a post as i think that it is the underlying concept of this blog...so rest assured you will read these words again...that said...suburbia is akin to purgatory...it is the land of betwixt and between and everyone is fighting to to be the king and queen...you live in a city and there is a culture, a hierarchy, activities galore...frankly no one really cares much about you...you walk anonymously through the streets and engage with your friends on over pasta and wine...when you live in a small town...a real small town not a pretend small town in a metropolitan area...but a town where you count on your community...where everyone in town has a job that helps keep the community going...you have a sense of belonging...but in suburbia where you need to stake your claim there are mischievous activities, unscrupulous practices, one-up-man-ships, half truths and other muckraking...i mean really people i invite you to my birthday party...have the good sense to return the favor...but instead you don't invite me...i feel bad...i label you a bitch...but i win because everybody knows that you are mean, insecure and vindictive...they just don't want to be the next one off your list thus they entertain your bad manors and your fake social status...there is no anonymity in suburbia so all the bad behavior is obvious and prime for dissection...you can sit on the side line of any game and listen to the crowd mocking a bar mitzvah invitation, questioning a friends ability to afford certain material items or events, determining the reason that your neighbor is selling their house, deciding which kid should be on this weeks black list and are not cool enough to be invited to a party, discussing why your friend's kid is not worthy of attending a specific college, and the list goes painfully on...but since your kids are sponges what they are saying on the fields and courts are even worse because they don't you have an adult's deceptive skill of concealing their toxic venom inside of a cracker jax box...they brazenly say that they don't want to be friends with someone, they they are not inviting them to a party, that they are short, awkward, have learning issues...but its okay because the blabbers have been told by their parents that it is never their fault, that they lost a game because another child did not play well, that their poor grade on a project was the fault of the other kids working on the assignment, that they did not do as well on a test because other kids have extra time...it usually comes down to mom and dad being insecure...needing to make themselves feel better by putting others down...not the lesson on civility that existed in days long ago...oh yes on occasion you will find a wonderful person who is positive and upbeat...looking to offer the rarely heard praise of a young athlete, scholar or bar mitzvah...and what happens, the naysayers try to figure out if this person is for real or just a put on...you can win however...buck the trend...offer a compliment, speak politely to the folks in the local stores, open the door for someone...even if you have been introduced to someone 5 times and they refuse to acknowledge you, you acknowledge them....teach your kid to be inclusive...you will all feel better...praise the kid who is smarter than your child, a better athlete, artists or has a special talent...say please and thank you...i thank you for reading my blog...putting up with my rantings and hope that we can all find some lessons here that are worthy...stay tuned i think my next post is already percolating...friendship

Your kid has a Facebook...

and you did not know??? Really are you sure you're fit to be a parent??? if your kid has a facebook page as a parent you need to be their personal cyber stalker...you need to monitor their pages, their posts, their status...how is it possible that your kid has an account without you knowing...the computer is not theirs, they don't pay for the connectivity and you know that your kid is mischievous, a bully and you readily admit that you can't control their mouth...so why is it possible that they are on facebook without you knowing...perhaps your nanny knows, since you are too busy getting your hair done, working out, meeting with your decorator and your party planner to be bothered with your child...i know they make a good accessory but really you take better care of the Louis Vuitton bag you bought at the outlet than you do of parenting...its not like they just got the facebook page yesterday...i know we all have more online friends than an average size high school class...but really your kid has 307 friends and as been posting since tishabov...get a backbone, have some discipline, pay attention...your kid is mean and has no business being on facebook, do you need me to poke you or do you realize that this is not a platform for a kid who can hardly make it through  a sports practice or a bus ride without bullying his prey...although do us all a favor keep the page up that way we know what your kid is all about and clearly can tie their behavior to the stellar parenting job you have done to date....consider yourself poked!