Bunker Friends

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...welcome to the bunker.

Bunker friends are solid...true friends...people who care about you, your kids and your family...there are plenty of circumstantial friend who we are thrown together with in our stress-ridden modern society...but a bunker friend is someone you don't have to say "this stays between us"...a true friend is a confidant, someone who knows you need to vent and have an honest conversation ...someone who you might not see or talk to for 8 weeks but can head out on a walk and pick up where you left off...someone who has your back and is not conflicted...free of ulterior motives and juggling too many relationships...when circumstance change a circumstantial friend  will  toss you under the bus for a better offer a bunker friend will drag you out from under the bus!  Who the is driving this suburban bus to hell anyway and did they not see all of us discarded friends under here screaming???

Non-bunker friends are great to have...they are the "lets have lunch" friends...some are even fake fakers and wantabe's that you don't even know who they want to be or why they want to be with you...but we can have dinner with almost anyone, at least once...some non-bunker friends are lovely but they have their own bunker friends and don't have anymore energy to invest...they are the keep it easy and light friends...then there are china quality friends...handle them with kid gloves because if you mis-handle these folks the relationship starts to crack and can break apart...then you will be left picking up sharp pieces that if not carefully handled will cut you 'til you bleed...shit that sounds bad.

One of my favorite bunker friends is tried and true...i know that if i needed a kidney she would not sleep until she found me one!! Bunker friends don't stand on ceremony obsessing the over the who called last rule...if  i need to, want to or just feel like it I call...i hope my friends would do the same..if i sense that you need a call, i call...or text as that has replaced the quick 'just checking in' call...i remember one of my girl scout songs fondly which said it the best to "make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver and some are GOLD"...Keep those golden bunker friends, invest in them, be open to making new friends, try and know people and understand them, know if they are capable of being in your bunker, otherwise just have lunch.

adults are often a big disapointment

i am still amazed how disappointed i can get from the actions and words of other adults..okay i know what you are thinking now -  i should be a bigger person and not let all the shit that flies hit me in the face and make me wanna vomit...however don't you think that adults...lets classify that as humans over about 32...should generally speaking know how to act with civility and kindness toward one another...especially toward children...oh i am not talking about pedophiles...they just suck and are bad people...but i am talking about adults that make bad decisions because they have a road map and a set of rules that are inflexible or have an agenda and need to stay the course rather than assess the situation and proceed accordingly...in general i try to stay clear...i don't want all those people in my head...it stirs up anxiety and frankly this time of year it is bad for my golf game...concentrating on the 999 rules of golf is enough for this girl...my limited capacity to deal with shit makes me stay clear and stay in my hovel unless i am forced out to procure food or a new outfit, which usually has to do with going someplace where i will eat food...okay so back the the bad people

i can usually process the crap when i get left out of something or someone thinks my outfit is bad or my ass looks fat...but make my kid feel bad...well you have now released the Kraken !!! years ago my son played on a sports team...little tykes...not even a tryout, travel or uber-select team...just a little tykes sign on team...he played by the rules and stuck with the age appropriate team...his friends all thinking they were the next great whoever had their parents get them onto the team with the older kids who had been playing together all season...these kids no longer play and my kid went onto be the captain of his high school team but these parents had an agenda and stuck with it.

and why is it always sports...do people really think that for 99.9% of the student athlete population how they do on little tykes teams really matter later in life...i played soccer in college, great, i still got the same education, went to the same type of college i would have gone to sports or no sports and my intellectual pursuits are not about how many black and white shapes (and what they are called) are on a soccer ball....and i never had to blow off or show up late to a birthday party or a celebration...do we think when we decide that to choose sports over friends that are kids are going to grow up and say "wow, i should have played that extra game, tournament, practice rather than go to my buddies celebration?" No i think when they are all grown these kids are going to say "wow my body hurts i played sports more days then there are in a week for more weeks then there are in a year, year after year"

when its not sports its cutting comments like "oh and what does it take to get into that school" or "my kid did not play badly but little sally sue johnny doe did not pass the ball and therefore little sally sue johnny doe could not score" ...or comments like "oh no my kid would never do the school play or art show, its to amateurish for them"....really people my father always told me that if you have nothing nice to say than shut the fuck up....well he is nicer than that...he just said, then don't say anything at all -

i would add to that "if you can't behave nicely just stay inside and don't interact with anyone"...and whats amazing is those with dirty little secrets are often the ones who behave the worst...your secret is not safe when you act badly...because people with secrets always give them away...they simply don't respond to questions or discussions around a topic that is sensitive to them, they redirect the topic in a negative way...or they have a party and don't include people who know their secret...really that's a blatant give away...people with dirty little secrets to hold should be nice and play by the rule...keep your friends close and those who know your secret closer...or your secret will come back to bit you in the ass

Remember, where ever you go there you are....with all your secrets and baggage....be nice, be respectful, not telling the truth is a lie no matter how you slice it...so be inclusive, create harmony, let the kid play on the team, invite the neighbor to the party or just stay inside and let everyone else enjoy the air.

 

Reply All...Revisited

I wrote last summer about the negatives associated with hitting that innocent looking reply all button...Aside from totally junking up my in-box and making my blackberry choke on the download, sharing with everyone can cause emotional damage....last summer i was outed for not participating in an event via a 'replay all' thread....I actually tried to respond the old fashioned way...land line to land line...i made contact with the reply all offender...when i hung up the phone i thought she and i had an understanding...but her response did not end there...she could not resist  an impulse click on that pesky  reply all button, which in turn distributed her venom to the original group email...she let everyone know that i was out and thus our committee needed a hero...oooyyyy...imagine how i felt...embarrassed and totally pissed off...bad combo platter in cyber land....but i restrained from having a reply all button battle and spared the group the my email and the misery of reading my retort!

Reply All is the popularity scale of pop culture...its the see how many people in the To: line i can tell about all of my activities....

             DING there is goes again..."Sorry I can't get out of work that day"

 DING..."I am on jury duty...sorry"

Reply All lets everyone know how important you and your husband are and what the family is up to

...

                                              DING..."oh we are out of the country...could you please reschedule?"

okay so this person now has added a double wamy...she is traveling and wants all of us pedestrians to reschedule for her...really...was she at the Royal Wedding today...well if not we are not rescheduling for less the royalaness...

                     DING...oooyyyy, enough already...this one is a response to an email bday party invitation letting all of the invitees know the details of said responders family's weekend plans so that we all know why the twins will come late to and leave early from the bday party...

Please people this is too much information to share...i would rather a direct correspondence letting me know that you have your period and you're cranky...i might laugh and send you a winky face...or that you and your husband have a wild weekend planned...to this i might send you a naughty winky face...i might even tolerate some email diarrhea about your kids plans for the weekend and your evening and how come you can't be where you are supposed be and how that is now my problem...blah, blah, blah...to this i might respond with a pithy...'oh so interesting'...but you don't need to communicated any of this information in a GROUP EMAIL...group emails alerts are the year 2011s cover your ass memo...with one exception...if the sender is trying to coordinate with all parties and explicitly asks for a reply all...then we all need to suck it up ;-)

...so please stop carelessly clicking replay all...i won't be confused as to why you are or are not attending an event...if i like you enough i might even ask you how come you were not there...and funny if you are actually my friend we might have even discussed your plans and i would have known in advance.

...as my father always said...don't talk...or in the case email...just to hear yourself...speak when you have something important to say...

Mind Your Drama

I need a Sunday and it is still a week day....I have been sucked into the vortex of suburban drama ...its bad enough that i have a perpetual kink in my neck...which my trainer actually gave me a great exercise for and explained that the trouble is really from my upper back being tight...who knew....but your drama is beating the shit out of my brain...who is doing what, where, when and why...lunches, dinners, parties...kids, outfits, who is in and who is out...did i or did i not get invited, buy something you want, have lunch with your friend, visit a college on your kid's list, or take so and so and not your kid to the ball game...yikes...you spend more time worrying about what you do than doing anything productive!

...all i want is to get through my day in relative peace...I don't have enough energy to do more than wake up, make a few beds, work out, work...my company actually needs tending to...books to be kept, orders to be processed, inventory to be ordered, salaries to be paid and celebrity spokes people to be placated...that one i am really good at!!! Once all that is accomplished i move onto the big stuff...whats for dinner and who needs to be transported...i am a chauffeur, currier and cook...the three C's

the three C's help me reduce the drama...i focus on getting food...being with my family and sharing time and a meal...i don't mind transporting...it is not something i complain about or find to be a suburban burden...i like the zen in it...and don't mind transporting other peoples kids...i DO mind the drama that comes with the carpool configurations from nursery school to sports...it becomes an opportunity for drama to creep into my day and permeate my life...I don't want to police unruly kids...I want the flexibility to change my plans...and i really don't want to give anyone a chance to make me privy to their drama...or frankly make up any drama involving me...i don't care where your husband is (especially if he is not with your or in his office) or what your other kids are doing...and i certainly don't' care about your appointments.

don't get me on the phone, or text message me, don't bbm me and ask me to agree to a years worth of carpools for this seasons bar/bat mitzvahs or because our kids have had the unfortunate destiny to be on the same sports team and we live around a suburban corner from each other...just let me be...alone with my kids in peace and quiet and drama free...I don't need you stalking me for a carpool only to question me about irrelevant topics so that you can in turn use my answer to boost your agenda...or tell me how wonderful you kid is...how smart...athletic...artistic...and other wise incredibility talented...oh and so charitable toward others your little boy wonder is! If you are not talking about your kids than you are most likely being disagreeable either to the positive or negative...which ever is the opposite of my answer to your question...a total set up...why bother...you just cause me to get my dander up...yes dad i just used dander in a sentence...and i might without further ado become that person...

...ick...I so don't want to get involved with the drama you just created for me...cover your own tracks, keep your secrets secret and drive your own carpool because your drama is toxic....your drama spilith over and i don't want to get splashed...it hurts!

***footnote*** The you is NOT you, don't create any drama were none is necessary...it is a category problem not a brand issue

Intersections: the good the bad the ugly and the 8 minute wait

well people there are intersections all over...and in suburbia most of them have an issue and some associated drama too boot!!  we intersect with some many situations and people...and often a physical intersection can bring about an emotional response...good, bad and if you are in your car waiting at a 4 way crossing...ugly...a friend called the other day to tell my about her driving stress around our small suburban community...our town has gotten too big and full of entitled individuals, driving all to nice vehicles and yet we still have busy intersections without clearly marked directions...people it is the year 2011 and folks need to be told what to do are they act on their own instinct....oh and i don't mean a simple stop sign or arrow...no we need soup to nuts directions...who can go...what do the cross hashes means...if i am stopped with a car in front of me and another car comes from a different direction...the car in front of me goes...who goes next??? everyone is in a rush and their drama is more important than yours or mine...so there will be no yielding...no regard for my position in the intersection and certainly no regard for simple traffic signs....we need a "do to" list at every crossing!!

we have a four way intersection in the center of town...from one direction a right hand turn lane appears and disappears...from another direction  into the intersection there is a perfectly singed stop...the main street has only a "stop for pedestrians" sign...and you can imagine how likely that is to happen with the rush, rush, me, me mentality...i admit to my fair share of driving induced aggravation but i try to balance that with an overtly nice gesture on occasion of letting someone who is painfully waiting to make a left take the turn in front of me...i think the left turn courtesy is old school and hearkens back to a time of gentile civility...when most families had one car...not three..oh yeah if your asking i have three...blah blah blah.

..so a friend called me with her story of the eight minute wait...our conversation put me at an intersection between work and play...a positive intersection...i got to chat with my friend...by for her she just spent eight long minutes face to face with entitled bad manners...so what is the intersection etiquette...she patiently waited at the stop sign behind several cars...finally got her turn as first in line at the stop...just at that point a car across from her entering the intersection by making a right pulled into place...she started in ease into the street to make her left and head home...just at that point the car making the right pulled right in front of her...into the center of the intersection and stopped in the pedestrian walkway...the gentlemen driving had nothing better to do that get out of his car and chastise her for her left...he had the right of way...come on...we have all lived here long enough to know that we need to share the intersection...yes in a perfect world he had the right of way...but in a small town without detailed traffic directions we need to share the roadway and be civil to our fellow drivers...i know it is a stretch...but stretch yourself...but a little...think before you make your right-hand turn...we know right is right...but sometimes our left turn buddies have been waiting patiently, are in just as much a rush and would love some consideration to their plight...otherwise we will turn suburbia into Lexington Ave and all try to beat the lights heading downtown...Consider the intersections in your life and take a moment to give some thought as to what mark you want to leave at each encounter.

Share The INFO People...

when my older son was heading to high school a kind neighbor and friend got me a gift...a book...with a title that i have recreated and distilled down in my mind to (since i currently can't find the book in my house)....All the things that guidance counselors don't tell you and your friends wont tell you....PEOPLE...how do we know if you wont share....its true...i now have a son looking at colleges...and bam...the guidance department is great...but not at my beck and call...and the friends and acquaintance networks...well...you need to beg, plead and steal information from the majority to get any kind of answer and it is usually tied up in some kind of pretzel logic so convoluted  that you don't understand and feel even dumber and more inept after you ask the question...before you were just in the dark...now you are in the dark at a rock concert and naked...completely exposed...the lack of sharing works wonders in one and only one area of parenting and motherhood...that's the pregnancy part...if you told me that no mater what i ate...in my case Mr. Cookieface ice cream sandwiches during one pregnancy and a restricted healthy diet through the other...that i would gain 65 pounds!!!...or that your body starts to develop new odors...hair in new places...terrible indigestion and other gastrointestinal issues...well than no one would ever get pregnant...which would have one good outcome...not having to look at colleges and navigate a series of tests, measurements, GPAs and the application processes...however sharing info on camps, colleges, summer programs, teachers, sports teams tryouts and how the DMV works among other parenting quandaries...well the world would be a kinder gentler place...i have my go to gals...and thank god for them...i try to share...most of the time folks appreciate it...other times...well i am met with a befalling barge of how my information is wrong, untrue and incorrect and i should get my facts straight so i don't totally screw up my kid...yikes...
....
pardon the interruption a college admissions office just called...they identified my kid through the PSAT's as a good candidate for their school...the PSAT's folks share...why can't you...be a sport...we all need some help!

PS...if anyone out there and decipher what the actual title of the book is please help us all and post it here so that others can get a copy!!!

really that's your chair....

....really...than if it is your chair why is your nasty ass not in it....why is your name not on it.....why did you just say that's my chair and continue to exchange one up's with your neighbor who you just bumped into...so her kid made the 'A' team and your kid got into the college of his choice and her little Johnny  got the staring role in the school play...and you went to the hottest new vacation spot and she just got into a country club...this is all fascinating and amazing...i could give a rats ass...BUT...you just laid claim to a chair that i had been politely waiting for and yet although your hand is on the back of it your ass is still vertical....my business partner and i took our number...ordered our food...cased the joint for a table for two...came up short by a chair and waited patiently for a vacancy to pull over to our lunch locale...while i had my back to the seating section to say hi to a friend you walked in the door, shimmied yourself between me and the chair i had been waiting for and BAM...it became yours...i actually thought i could explain nicely that we had been waiting for that chair...your response....well i don't see you in it so i guess you are not using it....really....scary part is that you then chatted up a blue streak...looked to your lunch mates for approval of your awful behavior and dragged the chair across the joint...to my absolute horror you pulled your chair up to a table with my Dr's wife who belongs to my fancy ass country club and she sat there idly as you parted me from my seating and thus my lunch...your arrogance was amazing...fascinating...i really wanted to know if you thought what you did was right...or nice...or even justified...but you smugly sashayed away with my seating...hung your decrepit fur coat on the back and made your way to the counter to put in your lunch order....what stopped me from heading right over to your coffee clutch and stealing back the seat...well...i really did not want to stoop to your level...i knew i could blog about it...but frankly it took all my willpower not to walk over to you....stick my chest out and interrogate your for your nasty behavior....what about kindness...treat your neighbor like you would like to be treated...maybe i should pull the chair right out from under you...well i found a table with two chair...mine unfortunately was facing right across to you...i was so distracted wondering if you and your friends really felt okay with what just happened...i was embarrassed i can only imagine what everyone in the store must of thought of you...you one up'd me as well...oh well...so really next time you are looking for a seat, a parking spot or getting into a que (line) think about the other people in your general proximity and consider if in your haste you may have inadvertently skipped a step and gone out of turn...apologize it actually feels good...but if you really needed my chair to make yourself feel better...well you got it!!!