Supermarket Psychology

no don't be silly...i am not talking about those wonderful trash rags that we all  love  reading on the checkout line while contemplating the danger of eating the Nestle's Crunch bar as a crowd of strapping supermodels are  staring at us from the airbrushed covers of fashion magazines...no, i am talking about the cathartic feeling after you bump into someone in the supermarket or encounter a perfect stranger and share a deep conversation about life, love and the pursuit of happiness in the burbs...its a funny phenomenon...you start with a cheerful hello and then someone opens the proverbial can of worms with a question about family, friends or work or a comment about the service on the checkout line, the weather or something about the community at large...and bam you go into a dissertation about what's good, bad and currently on your mind as if you are lying on a shrink's couch rather than standing in your local grocery store on your way home from the gym...now mind you the supermarket physiologist is most likely not your bestie or they would know that answers to all these pressing questions and would know the turmoil or the levity of your current sitch but non-the-less you start in on a conversation....

okay so here is the thing...i like my supermarket psychology...i enjoy the intense conversations i have while pushing a cart full of yummies and whiling away the hours at my local market...i enjoy the exchange of stories, the advise and even the small talk...there is a comradery in sharing with an acquaintance and an unwritten rule that what happens in the market stays in the market.

but here's the thing...my little town no longer has a supermarket, at one point we had two...now we have 8 banks, 6 nail salons and 4 real estate offices among our 24 storefronts...we can get money, buy and sell our homes and keep nicely groomed but we can't get 3 cans of sauce for 99 cents...we do have a delicious gourmet market which is now thankfully open on Sundays...and i must say i was delighted last Sunday when i went out to grab some provisions for Sunday supper and bumped into 2 friends...one old, as in we have been friends since elementary school..the other new, as in we meet 18 years ago...they too are friends with each other and i found them in the middle of a pow pow about their kids...at which point i felt the need to interject and add my shared experiences to the conversation...which turned what should have been a 20 minute trip into an hour and i walked away having shared good information and gotten great validation of my circumstances...i left with my head high and two bags of meat and veggies!

since our 'supermarket' closed down after the great flood i have found myself moving about from market to market to procure my provisions, and as such have expanded my repertoire of communal psychologists...in Bedford Falls i bumped into two women i mostly talk to on the sports field...one who's company i quite enjoy...i felt compelled to discuss with her the sports captain selection at my kid's school...she offered wise advise and shared a personal story...i left feeling propped up and armed with a good antidote...in Pottersville i had an encounter at the bagel store over boars head and nova with a smart lady who i have hardly talked to but have known for the past 15 years...she and i discussed books, backgrounds and futures...no, not stock futures...we shared some stories and offered advise and our mutual concern about teenagers and their choices....and again i left behind the menagerie of bagels as well as the baggage of my concerns dujuor...i took something away and left my fellow shopper with food for thought

so relish a chance encounter, i promise you there is an unwritten governance that covers the privacy of your conversations, you will feel better as you connect and share and leave with some groceries to nourish your soul.

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...on the one hand

funny, we are a 'so on the one hand but on the other hand' kindda generation of parents...we like to see all sides and choose our religion as we see fit...we are non committal and non confrontational while sticking to our guns, which we don't want our kids to play with (read on)......an old friend of mine who is both a rabbi and a ball player turned spiritualist once told me not to be afraid of  not going to temple as every person is their own rabbi... thus i was empowered to rule myself...so self i said "what do i believe in today???" although  i am still trying to answer that on a practical level, on a macro level i feel well advised by my self....but it is on the micro level that i find fascinating both my decisions and those of my fellow suburbanites regarding ourselves and our children....

like many decisions in my kid's lives they were a bit pre-destined due to a rich tradition of doing, going and belong...one of these things was sleep away camp...although i despised sleep away camp...i know, you must be shocked...you should never put that many girls together in a non-military like structured environment if you are expecting anything more than petty behavior with mascara running down sad faces and enough hairspray to attract all the bugs north of Portland Maine!

....none-the-less my kids headed off to an all boys (thankfully) summer camp in the north east...during the spring prior to leaving for the summer i was sitting on the side of a ball field (the site of 75% of poorly behaved parenting outbursts, myself included, especially when another parent yells at my kid who did not make a tag out at home...oh i digress and i am sure that's in another post)...when discussing summer camp with a group of parents...(a suburban parents hot button topic as most believe their child's camp is the preeminent...although i like my kid's camp, and more importantly they love it, i do believe that camps like nursery schools are all within 5 degrees of each other or they would not be in existence for 100+ years)...one mom preceded to get on her soap box about how she would never even consider visiting the camp my boys go to because they have riflery....really, riflery, her decision came down to riflery...amazing since her kid's behavior is feared by 90% of the kids in town and goes unchecked as her little cherub faced angel barrels over other children with verbal bullets, she did not want to send her kid to a camp with riflery...on the one hand lets condemn a camp because of an age old activity that can't hurt anyone without intention while on the other hand let us justify verbal bullets with a patented tag line of  oh you can't control what a 12 year old says

in the world of condemnation, i find it interesting  that on the one had we sit around as parents condemning underage kids who drink, yes alcohol not juice boxes...but we let our kids have Facebook pages where they display images of themselves with alcohol type paraphernalia...we get our bee in a bonnet when our kid is not invited to a party in the fall  but on the other hand we are able to justify the hell out of why another kid did not need to be included at a party in the spring...we bash one parent's choice to let their almost 17 year old drive after nine one year and the next year blatantly let our almost 17 year old routinely drive after nine.

...my friends we are all our own rabbi in the big bad world of parenting...on the one hand lets be honest with ourselves and on the other hand lets be respectful of how our decisions will affect others...and let us not forget the most important rule at hand...you should love, or at least respect your neighbor as yourself...

Choose your words

Okay, so here is the thing...i am not going to apologize for the artistic side of my life...which includes my blog and my fine artwork...they are artist expressions...a rendering of our collective unconscious if you will...often people ask me to create a representation of the "bee in their bonnet" and i am happy to help...problem, sarcasm, humor, throw it in a bowl, add some color, mix...out comes the final product...That said forget the collective unconscious and Jung, i often wish i were just unconscious...things might not bother me as much...and the nagging question is do they bother other people?

...i  often think "is it just me"...but alas not...other people share the same thoughts but are often to concerned about a particular outcome to speak up...speak i must...i just can't help myself but to comment...my rug is not big enough to sweep things under and the mental garbage quickly starts to peculate and becomes unhealthy for me...perhaps this is the year to invest in a men in black type stun gum...one zap and we forget the last 5 seconds of our life...i just don't know how i do it to myself and keep functioning...in my civilian life i apologize often and freely...some mornings i think, god help me not to speak...don't even open my mouth as i am fearful for what might come out

....most mornings I start the day with a couple of phone calls...they set the tone...thankfully they are no longer the "what is johnny doing after his exciting day in the 4's program" or "is sally invited to jane's party after school" just so that i know her kid is invited and mine is not or "can you believe so and so made the travel team"...because as we know those topics could send anyone and especially me into a tizzy! phone calls are getting better with age which makes it easier to control my tongue...a friend checking in on me starts the day off  on a positive foot...someone out there in this big bad uncivilized world cares...often it is one of a handful of friends calling to just check in and offer a friendly hello...other times its my mom wanting to know whats on my agenda...i usually answer with 'work' and then feel bad until she tells me about her plans for bridge, maj jong, canasta (please pronounce with a new york Jewish accent for best results) or her golf game (pronounced with Bedford Lock Jaw circa 1980). If  I make it through those calls with no agitation i am usually ready for a productive day.

I can still find time later in the day to get agitated...put me at a kids sports event, online in the supermarket or worse navigating the pick up line at my kid's school....that will usually do it if nothing else has and good thing that i am in the car and by myself so my tongue can't start flapping around uncontrollably...i just sit and mumble to myself while while listening to classic rewind on satellite radio...i usually start with the conspiracy theory...and work my way backwards to oops...I tend to be great with strangers at the pizza place or sitting in the tutors office...not ulterior motive (at least that i can perceive) and pleasant conversation that leaves you feeling pleased and uplifted...

so if you catch me on a bad day....i totally apologize in advance (although this statement is on the Lake Superior State University's list of words to banish in 2012 so i apologize for using it)...i really only mean about 5% of what i say but i say everything that's on my mind...so have a great year and lets all use our words carefully!

Don't tell, don't ask...the college process

I find the college process to be fascinating...it used to be that we hand wrote applications after visiting a couple of schools and our parents occasionally checked in to make certain that all the bases were covered...now its is big business...first off if you are a athlete and have been training at your game since pre-k, have had coaches, summers spent perfectly your sport and played on numerous select teams you are now paying big bucks to have professional videos created so that you can market yourself right through the college process...ooooyyyy

Starting junior year families begin traversing the US in a effort to locate the perfect school...you can buy a college route map on amazon to plan the trip stopping in cute college towns and making certain to purchase a hoodie at every book store....i myself am still on the hook for a few unused plane tickets after an aborted mission to pick out a school in the mid-west...i guess i'll pay the re-booking fee to catch a plane to a spa after this process is done..anyone coming with me???

If you don't have your wits about you it is fairly common to select a private college adviser who at the cost of about half a years private school tuition will do everything from identify a well balanced list of schools, help choose the perfect SAT tutor, work on essays and create a 'brag' sheet that can be attached as a supplement to the common application....if you are really on top of things chances are you have brought this person on board your college team at the end of sophomore year so that for the next 2 years your family can obsess about the process....after this process you are going to need to hire a party planner or a shink.

Things really get fun senior year...early choice applications are due by November...so about 4 weeks into the school year the buzz starts...who, what, where, when, and how!!! if you don't wont to have the conversation over every lunch and dinner date for the next 6 weeks you best just stay home...some folks are just curious...like those who read directories...they just want to know who is looking where...other want to know because they want to play the odds...still others want to make certain that the competition is not to strong...people ask questions...its natural...but whats not natural is to ask, to pump, to be concerned...not only about one kid but about everyone they know...and then when the conversation turns and they are asked about their prodigy they explain they are just hanging low...hanging low, really, if you just asked all those questions; how many here, who there, what sport etc...you are not hanging low, you are accessing the situation, not being honest and the only hanging is the person who you are talking to...they are hanging up on you...so if you have no intention of telling...do us all a favor and don't ask!!!

The Better Offer

We are all intrigued by the prospect of the better offer but why is it better? My son has had a friend since nursery school who was and still is always in search of the better offer. I am simply content to have an offer, any offer...if someone or some group wants to include me i am happy for them to make me an offer...i'm also happy to expand the plan and make someone else an offer.

the question is what are you willing to trade in exchange for the better offer??? loyalty, friendship, trust...what are you looking to achieve...popularity, exposure or self worth??? and what if every offer is better...sometimes rather than accepting the better offer you become the juggler...

one of my roommates in graduate school was the juggler extraordinaire...never able to simply stick to a plan or accept one offer...every Saturday night was a tightrope walk between parties and different circles of friends...not knowing how to say NO she would roam from party to party...thinking that she was so important that she would be missed and wanted to make sure that everyone knew she was included...the juggler misses the substance as they spend their energy running between events to fill the room with their joyful presence.


...but the person in search of the better offer is probably not going for meaningful life long substantive memories...remember when you choose the backyard bash over the bar mitzvah, wedding or christening you will never get an opportunity to participate in those celebrations again...the backyard bash happens every weekend...and in fact if you give the attendees the benefit of the doubt they most likely will know you were invited but had a prior obligation...it might not have been the more enjoyable event or perhaps not the most socially noteworthy gathering but it was meaningful and your presence will be appreciated by your host.

sometimes the better offer is not a dinner plan, fundraiser, birthday party or life celebration but a sports competition...we teach are children to commit to a team...but yet they commit to 3 teams in one season and then every weekend we encourage them to choose the better offer...where will they shine...who else is playing in which event...which sport can they play and also be home in time for the 'it' party...the better offer is always lurking and testing our constitution...make the decision early so you are not forced to accept the better offer half way through the season.

...there are the people who hedge in preparation for the better offer...they make a plan but say 'let's pencil it in' or 'let me check with my husband' - as if he really cares about the plan - and then there are the people who are so blatant they say '...so lets firm up closer to the date' - as if they have any intention of keeping a plan with you!!

When it comes to work we always want the better offer and often use it as a negotiating tactic...the better offer is a walk away alternative that you can use at any point...but when you have dinner plans on Saturday night...which have actually been inked in or sent to you and all the dinner participants as a meeting request and you accepted...you should not even consider accepting the offer that was just sent to you via bbm by an acquaintance who you want to get closer because they will be helpful to your social agenda...they will make the offer again...and if they don't...well really are you not big enough to realize that you are not important to their agenda.


So if you took the better offer this weekend think about the story my son told me on the way home from school...
...He said "mom, i'm in a pickle and i need help, can you help me?" "well i need to know what kind of pickle" i said trying not to laugh at his serious tone. "ummm, well, 3 people asked me to have plans and i kept saying yes, so who do i have plans with?" he asked. "easy, the first person who asked and you said yes to...see if you can include the other boys somehow otherwise tell them you will see them another day." "way to take a bite out of that pickle mom" my son assured me.
Maybe next weekend you will keep your plan, feel good about it and avoid your own pickle...it might be sour!

Bunker Friends

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...welcome to the bunker.

Bunker friends are solid...true friends...people who care about you, your kids and your family...there are plenty of circumstantial friend who we are thrown together with in our stress-ridden modern society...but a bunker friend is someone you don't have to say "this stays between us"...a true friend is a confidant, someone who knows you need to vent and have an honest conversation ...someone who you might not see or talk to for 8 weeks but can head out on a walk and pick up where you left off...someone who has your back and is not conflicted...free of ulterior motives and juggling too many relationships...when circumstance change a circumstantial friend  will  toss you under the bus for a better offer a bunker friend will drag you out from under the bus!  Who the is driving this suburban bus to hell anyway and did they not see all of us discarded friends under here screaming???

Non-bunker friends are great to have...they are the "lets have lunch" friends...some are even fake fakers and wantabe's that you don't even know who they want to be or why they want to be with you...but we can have dinner with almost anyone, at least once...some non-bunker friends are lovely but they have their own bunker friends and don't have anymore energy to invest...they are the keep it easy and light friends...then there are china quality friends...handle them with kid gloves because if you mis-handle these folks the relationship starts to crack and can break apart...then you will be left picking up sharp pieces that if not carefully handled will cut you 'til you bleed...shit that sounds bad.

One of my favorite bunker friends is tried and true...i know that if i needed a kidney she would not sleep until she found me one!! Bunker friends don't stand on ceremony obsessing the over the who called last rule...if  i need to, want to or just feel like it I call...i hope my friends would do the same..if i sense that you need a call, i call...or text as that has replaced the quick 'just checking in' call...i remember one of my girl scout songs fondly which said it the best to "make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver and some are GOLD"...Keep those golden bunker friends, invest in them, be open to making new friends, try and know people and understand them, know if they are capable of being in your bunker, otherwise just have lunch.

adults are often a big disapointment

i am still amazed how disappointed i can get from the actions and words of other adults..okay i know what you are thinking now -  i should be a bigger person and not let all the shit that flies hit me in the face and make me wanna vomit...however don't you think that adults...lets classify that as humans over about 32...should generally speaking know how to act with civility and kindness toward one another...especially toward children...oh i am not talking about pedophiles...they just suck and are bad people...but i am talking about adults that make bad decisions because they have a road map and a set of rules that are inflexible or have an agenda and need to stay the course rather than assess the situation and proceed accordingly...in general i try to stay clear...i don't want all those people in my head...it stirs up anxiety and frankly this time of year it is bad for my golf game...concentrating on the 999 rules of golf is enough for this girl...my limited capacity to deal with shit makes me stay clear and stay in my hovel unless i am forced out to procure food or a new outfit, which usually has to do with going someplace where i will eat food...okay so back the the bad people

i can usually process the crap when i get left out of something or someone thinks my outfit is bad or my ass looks fat...but make my kid feel bad...well you have now released the Kraken !!! years ago my son played on a sports team...little tykes...not even a tryout, travel or uber-select team...just a little tykes sign on team...he played by the rules and stuck with the age appropriate team...his friends all thinking they were the next great whoever had their parents get them onto the team with the older kids who had been playing together all season...these kids no longer play and my kid went onto be the captain of his high school team but these parents had an agenda and stuck with it.

and why is it always sports...do people really think that for 99.9% of the student athlete population how they do on little tykes teams really matter later in life...i played soccer in college, great, i still got the same education, went to the same type of college i would have gone to sports or no sports and my intellectual pursuits are not about how many black and white shapes (and what they are called) are on a soccer ball....and i never had to blow off or show up late to a birthday party or a celebration...do we think when we decide that to choose sports over friends that are kids are going to grow up and say "wow, i should have played that extra game, tournament, practice rather than go to my buddies celebration?" No i think when they are all grown these kids are going to say "wow my body hurts i played sports more days then there are in a week for more weeks then there are in a year, year after year"

when its not sports its cutting comments like "oh and what does it take to get into that school" or "my kid did not play badly but little sally sue johnny doe did not pass the ball and therefore little sally sue johnny doe could not score" ...or comments like "oh no my kid would never do the school play or art show, its to amateurish for them"....really people my father always told me that if you have nothing nice to say than shut the fuck up....well he is nicer than that...he just said, then don't say anything at all -

i would add to that "if you can't behave nicely just stay inside and don't interact with anyone"...and whats amazing is those with dirty little secrets are often the ones who behave the worst...your secret is not safe when you act badly...because people with secrets always give them away...they simply don't respond to questions or discussions around a topic that is sensitive to them, they redirect the topic in a negative way...or they have a party and don't include people who know their secret...really that's a blatant give away...people with dirty little secrets to hold should be nice and play by the rule...keep your friends close and those who know your secret closer...or your secret will come back to bit you in the ass

Remember, where ever you go there you are....with all your secrets and baggage....be nice, be respectful, not telling the truth is a lie no matter how you slice it...so be inclusive, create harmony, let the kid play on the team, invite the neighbor to the party or just stay inside and let everyone else enjoy the air.